Your Pizza Horoscopes for March
Slow week, man out of time, enjoy some pizza horoscopes this week to guide you on your never-ending pizza quest.
Hi there!
I’m in the midst of working on a much larger piece for next week, so not much to report this week. Instead, enjoy these pizza horoscopes to help align your spirit and pizza chakra. Is that what horoscopes do? Does anyone know? Listen, I don’t know, but these are sent to be from the celestial pizza bodies specifically to be printed right here for this bespoke pizza audience.
March Pizza Horoscopes
Peppero (January 1st – February 22nd): Your pepperoni in the sky has recently set in the west, and your stomach aches with the longing of that spicy cured meat. Do not linger on what is lost, but look to the east where a new pepperoni day is on the cusp of dawn. What will appear on the horizon this time? A spicy Italian hoagie? A greasy soppressata? You must hold steady in your trust of cured meats. The despair in your stomach will be quenched in a few days.
Mozzini (February 23rd – May 9th): We are in Mozzini season and will be for the next few weeks. During your time of year it’s important to take stock of your basement filled of cheese. Have you prepped your cheese chest for a variety of situations? A stinky cheese for a stinky cheese pizza, goopy cheese for a goopy cheese pizza, etc…? Center yourself and take stock of what you have and prepare for the days where you have not. You can’t hoard cheese and eat it too.
Dougheo (May 10th – July 4th): Stretching and folding yourself onto yourself to motivate your molecules to activate is the only way to get through the month. How can you get in touch with your inner you? The dough that makes up your core is in dire need of kneading. Don’t skip that part of the recipe or you won’t see any growth!
Sicilaurus (July 5th – November 6th) Your dreams are replaced with nightmares of being turned into the tiniest crumb. You are stuck in the middle of a giant Sicilian baking pan. How do you escape? The ground is slick with oil. There are gobs of burnt cheese blocking your paths. There is no hope. But as a tiny crumb do not underestimate yourself. There is no barrier that is impassable. Use your cunning and unique skills to tackle problems in a way only you can.
Greasonis (November 7th – December 31st): This is the time to think of others in your life. How has your greasy habits affected your closest and farthest friends and relations? Do you find that compliments and words of affirmation slip right off your greasy exterior? Pull down your greasy guard and open yourself up to the others in your life. A little vulnerability never hurt anyone. Who knows, it may result in tremendous greasy treasure. You little grease pirate.
Thanks for reading! I hope you have found something to enjoy in this amazing pizza newsletter.
Thanks and pizza ya later!
-Dan Tallarico, Pizza Journalist