The Worst Pizza in Pittsburgh
My wife was disappointed I succumbed to a click-bait headline but I swear there's more to it than that!
We live in the city of champions so there’s an obsessions with winning. What’s the best pizza? What is the most amazing pizza to exist? But the other end of the spectrum is just as intriguing. What is the worst pizza in the city? Is there such a thing as bad pizza? What does the bottom floor pizza look like? Is it edible or greasy cardboard?
It’s a peculiar question, but one that generated 715 comments on this Reddit thread asking for the worst pizza in the Pittsburgh area. The Pittsburgh subreddit’s taste is questionable as it chose Costco Pizza as the best pizza in the city a few years ago. If you sort the thread by “controversial” you get some of the same results as when you sort by “top”.
What’s odd about this list of “worst” pizza places is that the populous are putting forth the very same pizzas that are lauded in this city. Award winning pizzas, historical juggernauts that emerge unscathed in the final four of every pizza bracket. Mineo’s, Caliente, Betos’s show up on the list alongside personal staples of Spak and Sir Pizza.
What even is bad pizza? The ubiquity of pizza is because it is too simple to make. It’s flour, water, yeast, salt topped with tomatoes and cheese. Anyone with the ability to fill out a W-4 can construct an entity resembling a pizza. Worst case scenario a pizza shop is using frozen dough or frozen pizza shells which are still edible.
The pizzas that populate the list are unique pizzas. They do something odd or strange that doesn’t gel with the person’s perception. They don’t meet the pizza expectation. I think Caliente’s biggest issue is they have a ton of signs around the city (and the URL) declaring them the world’s best pizza. Yet their standard pies are basic pizza pies. Nothing wrong with that, but if you spend thousands a dollars a month letting everyone know you’re the best pizza, it’s going to rub people the wrong way.
Any bad pizza I’ve had still serves a purpose. The pizza from the recently deceased O was horrid. But for $5 for what seemed like twelve pounds of pizza at 3 a.m., that’s a deal I’ll take every time! Even if it was cardboard covered in grease and a sprinkling of cheese. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was what I needed.
That’s not to say I’ve never had truly bad pizza…
The Worst Pizza Experience I’ve Ever Had
I did recently have a horrific pizza experience. I’ll refrain from naming the place, but it’s a pizza shop I now refuse to visit. It’s not a place I went often to begin with. It exists for the sake of convenience. Despite a sickly looking exterior and interior, the shop hums along fueled by a stream of the most random clientele assembled in Pittsburgh.
This shop is so poorly run that when I arrived at the agreed upon time to pick up my pizza it wasn’t in the oven. It wasn’t even made. There wasn’t a single pizza in the oven or waiting to be picked up, yet my pizza was still in the imaginary queue. Unfortunately, this gave me the opportunity to watch my pizza come to life.
They grabbed a ball of dough, stretched it out and tossed it in the oven. The speed in which the pizza was thrown in the oven could be because they are professionals. Or maybe they stopped caring about their craft? They pulled the pizza out to inspect their dirty work. Bubbles had sprouted on the pizza. They grabbed the pizza cutter, pounded the pizza like a wild animal trying to crack open a coconut and filled the hole with a fresh handful of provolone cheese like a golfer carelessly filling a divot.
I stood by the counter for twenty minutes. The phone rang once in that time period. That night there were two workers who paced back and forth the kitchen area. There was one person sitting at a table waiting on a hoagie.
The owner hung out in the back, but would come towards the front to spin the pizzas every so often. He’d answer the phone, and commiserate with his fellow employee. She was someone who seemed to be running out of time. Around 8:20 pm she said “I need to get out of here.” Forever? For the night? I’m not sure.
The owner gets a call, he seems extremely pissed about it. The caller has a simple request: a slice of pizza with pepperoni. Not a problem. It’s not uncommon for a pizzeria to have a pizza on standby in the corner for slice orders. This pizza grows extremely dank over the course of dinner service. If slices aren’t ordered often the pizza ages terribly. The slice pizza tonight was in hospice care.
The owner casually grabbed a slice from the husk, plopped on a handful of pepperoni and throws it in the oven. For some reason he’s anxious. He keeps opening and closing the pizza oven, letting all the heat escape. Maybe it’s because I’m standing there and he’s not use to working in front of an audience.
My pizza finally comes out. A little under cooked. Did they want me to leave?
On my way out I pass a bitcoin ATM, some gambling machines and other tacky contraptions. It’s museum of trends and scams made to squeeze a few dollars out of the downtrodden clientele walking through their front door.
I near the door and I hear the employees ask each other if anyone made dough today. Of the two employees present no one was sure.
The pizza tasted of uncooked dough and bland cheese. Would not recommend.
Oh also one time I saw them making a ranch-based pizza and they were spreading piles of ranch on the dough with their bare hands.
2022 Pizza Moment from Nick of Black Cat Pizza
A 2022 highlight for me was the day that I grazed on pizza all day long. Thankful to have had the chance to walk around with friends and do a pizza tour while in New York. My favorite was the Tartufo slice from L’industrie.
L’Industrie is one of my favorite slices of pizza in 2022 too! Nick runs Black Cat Pizza which makes weekly deliveries of Roman Style pizza right to your doorstep. Check it out here! I ordered some back in April and it’s an extremely good pizza.
Thanks for reading! May your future be free of what someone might consider the “worst” pizza.
Thanks and pizza ya later!
-Dan Tallarico, Pizza Journalist
Do you suppose the worst pizza is really the more about the entire not-so-great experience that then casts judgement on the product?