The Goblin of Pizza: Altoona Hotel Pizza
Made in a lab? Spawned by a demon? Why is Altoona Hotel Pizza haunting the internet?
When I think of Altoona I think of two things:
HQ of Sheetz
Home of the Altoona Curve
For 99% of my life those two items made Altoona famous and every time I saw a Sheetz in the wild I would turn to whoever was next to me and say “You know their headquarters is in Altoona?” Like I was Rain Man repeating that Wapner would be on in one minute.
In the Summer of 2021, Altoona became famous for a third thing: Altoona Hotel Pizza. It was Ryan Deto’s City Paper article that brought this creature to light. In that article he describes its origin, which is more marketing gimmick than mutagen dripping onto a slice.
Why is Altoona Hotel Pizza scaring everyone?
Honestly this week was a tough week for Western PA pizza. A hot up and coming twitter feed has taken to highlighting fucked up pizzas around the world. For whatever reason, the past week lead them down a PA pizza hole. Peep two of their tweets that spiraled out of control:
Not a great look for a region that houses some of the best pizza in the world. Though, the variety and ingenuity in this area has spawned an eclectic suite of pizza to choose from (check out this poster Hawk Krall made celebrating the variety of pizza) . Do we really need a dozen more places trying to do NY style or copying Mineo’s? Or would you rather have the option to experience Beto’s that is truly doing something unique?
Altoona Hotel Pizza is unusual, but dunking on it does a disservice to pizza around the world. People making fun of a pizza with American cheese as they gobble up their neapolitan pizza seems elitist. Pizza is a canvas. It’s a blank slate for anyone to plop their toppings of choice on, to create something special. And guess what - most of the pizza places are copying some made up ideal that has been foisted upon them. There’s nothing wrong with branching out and doing something weird.
Frankenstein’s monster didn’t do anything wrong, they were misunderstood by the angry villagers who wanted their monster to be more traditional and topped with mozzarella cheese.
The initial reaction to “hate” on anything different irks me. Altoona Hotel Pizza is weird, but no one is strapping you down and force feeding you pieces until you confess to a crime you didn’t commit. You can marvel at it from afar and it’s probably doing a good job of filling a niche for people that love this pizza. Maybe it pairs well with a Sheetz Schmagel. Maybe that area of the world loves a fresh green pepper hiding under a blanket of cheese. If you lived in Altoona maybe this is your dream pizza.
How is Altoona Hotel Style Pizza?
I would implore you to listen to the live recording my wife, Christa, and I did when we got our slices. It was at the height of Altoona Hotel Pizza madness and we do a good job of not chewing into the microphone.
Altoona Hotel Pizza doesn’t taste like many other pizzas I’ve had. A big part of that is the American Cheese that laminates the top. The dough is thick, not airy, but very bready. Like there was no fermentation time at all. It’s a dense and chewy base. Hiding under the cheese is a single slice of green pepper and a little slice of salami. Two friends hiding under their blanket, dreaming about tomorrow.
The sauce is sweet, but anything in the realm of central PA is going to slide towards the sweeter end of the scale.
It was not awful. It tasted like an open faced grilled cheese sandwich with extra cheese. It wasn’t revolting or sickening, it was a gooey, chewy pizza. I was impressed how well it held its form, always ready for me to take the next bite without spilling ingredients all over the place.
If you have the the chance to enjoy Altoona Hotel Pizza I hope you do. it’s a unique pizza experience and we could use more pioneers out in the world pushing the limits of what pizza can be.
Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this please consider sharing this with all your pizza friends. Post the link on social media, Facebook, whatever. I’d really appreciate it. Pizza ya later!