April Pizza Horoscopes
What do the bubbles in the sizzling pizza have to say about your future? Peer into the grease and see what fate awaits you.
Hi folks - A little tied up at the moment. I have some pizza excursions to write about, but need a bit more time. Until then, enjoy your pizza horoscopes and may the fates bless you on your pizza endeavors.
April Pizza Horoscopes
Peppero (January 1st – February 22nd): The sauce bubbles with delight. Each bulging bubble bursts letting out a delicious smelling gas. The gas crawls into your nostrils, on a covert sneaking mission with one mission: to make you hungry. You can’t resists. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, no one can. You follow the scent into the vat of sauce. You thought it would be too hot of an environment to make a life in, but you find yourself adapting well. You’re not the emperor of sauce land. That is until the ladle picks you up and deposits you on a humble crust.
Mozzini (February 23rd – May 9th): From the sludge produced by nature, to a bountiful harvest, how does this food alchemy work? Where did it originate from? You dive into books, blogs, newsletters seeking answers about the origin of this lost art. You travel the world and climb mountains to remote villages asking ancient folks about the origins. Yet the answer is never satisfying. As a desperate last resort you ask your local pizza maker where cheese comes from. They take you in their kitchen and show you the cheese making process.
Dougheo (May 10th – July 4th): You finish a whole sixteen inch pizza with a perfectly timed belch. The restaurant applauds. Yet you have suspicion there’s a secret bonus pizza waiting for you somewhere in the restaurant. Your burp reverberates off the walls, but you notice that part of the wall wavers. You knock on it, the sound is suspiciously hollow. You push on the wall and it gives way. You have found an entire secret pizza shop inside a pizza shop.
Sicilaurus (July 5th – November 6th) You fold your pizza in half to eat it with great efficiency. Your tablemate folder their pizza twice. You fold it three times. They fold it four. You’ve gotten yourself into a folding war without even realizing it. It’s too late when you notice you’ve folded your huge slice of pizza into the size of a postage stamp. The crunch is missing. The subtle flavor and bite after bite are gone. You devour your prized pizza in a single munch, unsatisfied.
Greasonis (November 7th – December 31st): As you’re taking out the trash you notice that there’s a little pizza squirrel waiting for you at the curb. They look at you with large, cute eyes. You plop down a dozen pizza boxes from your week of pizza indulgence. The squirrel happily sniffs all the boxes and retrieves a couple of forgotten pizza crusts you never finished. They pop them in their mouth and scurry back to their nest. You’re please that someone will be making use of your crusts and giving back to nature makes you feel good.
Thanks for reading! Hope your horoscopes guide you along your pizza path.
Thanks and pizza ya later!
-Dan Tallarico, Pizza Journalist