Abandoned Pizza & Your Pizza Horoscopes
Not a lot of pizza news this week so prepare for some weird pizza content.
Walking down friendship Ave today I stumbled upon a sad sight for my old eyes. Abandoned pizza. Crusty, greasy abandoned pizza with a large burnt, exploded bubble in the crust. A scar on an otherwise standard pizza.
The box was nondescript, sitting pleasantly on a wall like Humpty Dumpty might. No fear of falling here, just fear of birds or animals devouring a few globs of cheese. It soaked up the grey sky, slowly freezing in the Pittsburgh Autumn. There’s a number of construction projects going on in this area of the city so this could have been a victim of a busy schedule of flaggers and diggers. But what if it was something more?
Obviously you have to wonder how it got to this point. Who brought this pizza here? Where is it from? Why did it get abandoned and by whom. Pizza is sacred, and yes sometimes it’s easy to order more than you ever need. No one has ever ordered the correct amount of pizza in the history of ordering pizza. Even Julius Caesar got it wrong and, well, some say that’s what caused most of his problems. Is that the origin and inspiration of Little Caesar’s? I don’t know.
I’ve found various slices of pizzas abandoned around the city. Each time I’m perplexed and try to reverse engineer what happened. Like a retired forensic scientist who’s addicted to solving circumstances. In this instance I think of the location. On Friendship Ave. An Avenue of friendship, surely these were friends that met on a cold, but sunny, afternoon to split a few slices. They haven’t met in a while and had a lot to catch up on. In between bites they asked each other first-date level questions. What do you do for work. How’s the family. What is your favorite pizza shop. What keeps ya in Pittsburgh. Maybe all they had in common was this pizza shop.
They get to know each other until the grease and bloat sets in. This pizza by nature looks extra heavy - definitely not something from an artisan shop. Two-thirds of the pizza was missing, a hungry duo. Three of them could have devoured this pizza. Though, the level of grease left behind indicate this pizza is tougher on the guts than a plain pizza.
Specks of sausage littered the box. Sausage rolled into the middle of the pie and as each slice was lifted up more sausage bits trickled off like water slithering off a duck’s back. Sad to see so much sausage go to waste, but in the midst of a pizza party who’s accounting for all the toppings?
Out of the twelve available slices the mystery eaters devoured eight of them. Pretty good work for a Thursday lunch outing in the middle of the street. Maybe two nurses or doctors grabbed this pizza on their break from Children’s Hospital. Ashamed to return to their patients covered in grease and stinking like pepperoni they cut themselves off before finishing the pizza entirely. Leaving it there to rot and return to nature.
Unfortunately, due to the greasiness of the pizza it most likely does more harm than good to the environment. Should there be a pizza cleanup program in the city to ensure loose grease from pizza doesn’t leak into our garden beds and well water?
Pizza Horoscopes
Peppero (January 1st – February 22nd): Your pizzas are always too greasy because you order too much pepperoni on your pizza. On the phone you can’t help yourself. You order a plain, they suggest a topping. You panic and say pepperoni. They suggest double pepperoni. You play it cool and say “actually I’ll talk triple pepperoni.” Maybe you need to quit trying to impress the person on the other end of the phone with how much pepperoni you can order.
Mozzini (February 23rd – May 9th): Even the longest strand of cheese has to break at a certain point. Cheese can’t stretch forever and it’s silly to expect anything to stretch from here to the moon. Maybe take a break and don’t over reach this week. The cheese will be there to catch you when you stumble.
Dougheo (May 10th – July 4th): As the Earth rotates someone is bound to fall over. What are you doing to keep your feet on the ground? Strapping your feet to the earth with extra hydrated dough? Supporting yourself with a cardboard pizza box? As things speed up, brace yourself and others to make sure no one topples over. Don’t be afraid to extend a hand.
Sicilaurus (July 5th – November 6th) Life has a knack for floating by as you watch your pizza dough slowly rise in the proofer. Could you be multitasking or doing something more constructive while your pizza rises to the brim of a pan? It’ll be there for you when you get back, you only need to trust your dear friend to carry on without you for a few moments.
Greasonis (November 7th – December 31st): Slipping and sliding through life is fun until you bump your elbow and fall onto your bum. I’m not saying to stop all the sliding, but be prepared for the scrapes and scratches that come with the territory. Maybe strap a large loaf of focaccia to your bottom to support you when you fall.
Wow what an update! Thanks for taking the time to read this
Please consider sharing or telling all your pizza friends. It’s not every day you come across a newsletter featuring a cornucopia of pizza horoscopes. How cool is that?
Pizza ya later!
-Dan Tallarico, Pizza Journalist
Maybe a food delivery person feasted on an undeliverable/fictitious/returned oder